Welcome to the Peacemakers Guild. This podcast covers topics related to cultivating inner peace and creating peace in our world. 

I'm you host, Geoffrey Chew.

In today’s episode, I’ll be talking about quote unquote Difficult People. I say quote unquote because we may be the one’s that are bringing challenges and drama to the relationship. 

Let’s start off by examining what it means when we say someone is difficult. 

Often it means that they “push our buttons”, that is, trigger the most painful parts of our personality. They might consciously or unconsciously play upon our darkest fears. Their words and actions might propel us to places in our psyche that we don’t want to visit.  

They might show us unacceptable parts of our personality that we’re not aware of, and that we don’t want to look at, something that the famous psychologist Carl Jung would call a shadow projection. Jung stated: “We always see our own unavowed mistakes in our opponent”. For example, a thief may view all acquaintances as being untrustworthy, or someone that unconsciously worries about being viewed as weak may pick on and torment someone who embodies weakness.

People can also seem difficult if they have different values, which may originate from different upbringings, cultural backgrounds, or personality traits. They may have habits that we find annoying. For example, someone who values quiet and solitude may have difficulty being roommates with a gregarious socialite that loves having their home constantly filled with people. 

Different communication styles can also cause interpersonal friction. For example, someone that is more relationship focused who finds small talk and chit chat important may find it difficult interacting with people that are task oriented and want to get straight to the point (and vice versa).

People that challenge our existing beliefs and worldview are often seen as being difficult. Being exposed to different ideologies and ways of thinking may seem threatening to us if we’ve invested our identity and self-worth in the beliefs that are being challenged. In this situation, the challenging of these core ideas and beliefs forces us to reevaluate ourselves at a fundamental level, which can be a frightening and destabilizing experience. It can feel as though we ourselves are under attack, because we’ve equated ourselves with our beliefs, even if these beliefs are not grounded in reality and truth.

People that don’t respect our boundaries are often seen as difficult. Boundaries are what we consider to be ok and not ok when another person interacts with us.

People that are abusive or overly negative are most likely viewed as difficult. 

Jealousy and envy can make it difficult to be around certain people. These people might serve as a painful reminder of something that we want but don’t have.

Sometimes people have psychological, physiological, emotional, or life challenges that make it difficult for them to be pleasant, or what most people would consider to be like-able. 

And lastly, there may be reasons that are not easily identifiable or quantifiable for why we may find someone to be difficult that we’ll generally label as personality conflicts.

Now that we’ve identified various reasons that we might consider someone to be difficult, let’s discuss some strategies for shifting the way we view and deal with these people for the purpose of creating inner peace, reducing psychological stress, and perhaps even improving our relationships with these people.

First let’s consider the case of psychological projection. Ask yourself, am I projecting something onto this person that I don’t like about myself? Are they unfairly paying the price for my own insecurities? If you suspect this is the case but aren’t sure, ask a trusted friend what they think. 

After you’ve considered the possibility of projection, ask yourself if this person is evoking one or more deep-seated fears. If so, make it a point to go deeper into these fears in an effort to discover more about their origins and influence on you. For this you may wish to enlist the help of a psychotherapist. The same could be said for the other difficult personal explorations mentioned in today’s podcast. It’s difficult emotional work to examine our fears and it often helps to enlist the help of individuals that are professionally trained to assist with this. 

If someone is “pushing your buttons”, dive deeper into the situation and consciously try to identify your “buttons”. Reflect on why they are points of pain for you. 

Next, consider whether the source of the challenge with someone is due to different values or personality traits. Depending on what you know about their history, reflect on how their upbringing or cultural values may be driving their behavior, while maintaining a mindset of openness, acceptance, and tolerance. Acknowledge their individuality and freedom to have different values and ways of doing things. If there’s something you don’t understand about what they do or how they think, consider respectfully asking them about it. If there’s something that they do that annoys you, consider respectfully bringing it up and ask them to consider changing their behavior. Be aware of your needs, and respectfully and assertively stand up for them.

Next, consider the person’s communication style and how well you feel you communicate with that person. It might be beneficial to explore different personality frameworks such as the DiSC profile (https://www.discprofile.com/)  for insights. Some companies hire facilitators to perform these assessments to help their employees work more effectively with each other. Maybe this is an option for your company or organization.

If you’re feeling under appreciated by a loved one, consider reading the “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. In a nutshell, the book explains that people express love in different ways, and the ways that you express love may be different from the ways that your loved one expresses love. The consequence of this is that you may not recognize someone’s actions as a sign of their love for you, when they think they are.

With this discussion of different personality types and communication styles I think it’s important to say that no style of communication or personality type is better than another, they are simply different. We naturally have an affinity for some people, and some people will seem to understand us sooner than others, but the fact that someone doesn’t understand us is not a reason to dismiss them or treat them unfairly.

I often see people criticize others because they don’t relate to the person’s interests or their situation. They seem to criticize or make jokes about the other person because they express themselves differently or value different things. For me, the phrase “Do not hate because you cannot relate” applies to these situations. Maybe what somebody is passionate about is uninteresting to you, but to them it could be a gateway to joy and personal growth. Maybe the things they say don’t resonate with you, but to other people, this person could be a great source of help and comfort.

If you find people that challenge your existing beliefs difficult, reflect on this, and ask yourself if you might be too rigid in your thinking. If so, consider working on being more open-minded and listening to others more, giving them space to express themselves and their ideas. If you feel threatened by their ideas, try to go deeper and understand why. 

For people that don’t respect your boundaries, consider calling them out on it, in other words, consider respectfully and assertively telling them what is and what is not ok when interacting with you. This may be difficult for you if you are conflict averse, that is, if you tend to avoid disagreements and not to confront issues directly. If this is the case, it may be helpful to role play with a trusted friend first before confronting the challenging individual. 

For people that are abusive physically, you should protect your physical saftey and remove yourself from their presence and influence. This may be difficult given your current situation, and you should seek help from friends, family, or the appropriate authorities depending on your situation.

For people that are consistently rude, overly negative, or “energy vampires” that leave you exhausted, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not you wish to continue the relationship. If the relationship feels toxic and is unlikely to change, leaving may be the best option. 

When encountering negativity from others in conversation, it may be helpful to simply change the subject to something more positive. If they persist it may be a good idea to cut the conversation short. If the person is angry with you for some reason it may be helpful to speak at a very detached and abstract level, removing yourself from the emotion of the situation. For example, I once had a conversation with a neighbor that was frustrated and angry with me because I wouldn’t cut down the trees in my yard to preserve his view. From his point of view I wasn’t “being a good neighbor”. I said to him: “Well, people have different values that are hard to reconcile sometimes, and conflict can arise due to these differences. You value your view and I value my trees.” This helped to diffuse the situation and he calmed down and respected my position. 

Some other good resources for learning how to deal with negativity and rudeness from others include the book “Verbal Judo” by  Dr. George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins, and Brainy Dose’s YouTube video “How To Respond To Rude People - 8 Powerful Comebacks”. 

It may also be helpful to realize that a person’s negativity probably has nothing to do with you, but is instead a manifestation of their own inner state, struggles, and unhappiness. They may be in physical or psychological pain. Maybe they’re going through a rough period in their lives, or having a bad day. Maybe they’re psychologically projecting onto you. That is, they seem to be talking about you, but they’re actually talking about themselves unconsciously. 

If you’re jealous or envious of someone, and that is making it difficult to be around that person, work on appreciating your own gifts and blessings, and the uniqueness of your own personal journey in life. Also consider that you don’t know the person’s whole story. They may seem like they are on top of the world, but they may be suffering inside. Be grateful for what you have. 

Now I’m going to switch gears, and go over three visualization techniques for transforming the way you view someone you consider to be difficult in your life. These techniques can help you to reduce stress around this person, and improve your overall state of mind, as well as potentially improve the relationship by adjusting your attitudes towards the person.

For the first technique, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and imagine the person you’re finding difficult, alone in their room. Imagine yourself walking towards them and you notice that they’re crying, and struggling internally with their personal problems and challenges. Imagine the pain that they’re experiencing. Imagine their frustration at their situation. Draw upon your knowledge of the person to visualize the challenges that you think or know they’re going through. Stay with these thoughts, and this person in your mind for 5 to 10 minutes. Finally, imagine yourself giving the person a hug and consoling them, and then open your eyes. Reflect on if and how this exercise helped change your attitude or feelings about this person.

For the second technique, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and think of someone you love dearly. Think about how that person makes you feel. Think of all the wonderful things they do and have done to make your journey on earth special. Think of the ways they brighten your mood, and the ways that they make you happy. Think of the joy that they bring into your life. Think of the good times you’ve shared with them. Hold these positive feelings in your mind and heart for about 5 minutes. Next, continue to hold the positive and loving feelings from the first part of the exercise while visualizing the person you’re having difficulties with. Repeat the words: “I pray you find peace [persons name], I pray you find joy [persons name], I pray you find happiness [persons name]” softly and slowly. Continue to repeat these words for about 5 minutes. Open your eyes and reflect on if and how this exercise helped change your attitude or feelings about this person.

For the third technique, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and think about and focus on things that you have in common with this person. Think of as many examples as you can. Next, depending on your relationship with this person, you may be able to think about any positive experiences you may have shared with this person. Think of as many examples as you can. Open your eyes and reflect on if and how this exercise helped change your attitude or feelings about this person.

Finally, some concluding thoughts. Often, the most difficult people in our lives have the potential to be our greatest teachers because they might force us to face our fears or confront the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to look at. They might force us to learn to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs, or force us to strengthen our interpersonal skills. Additionally, what an amazing personal journey it is to go from being someone’s adversary to being their friend. Such a journey has the potential to lead to a truly remarkable friendship and closeness because each person has seen and learned to accept the challenging aspects of the other. 

Thank you for listening to today’s podcast, and peace be with you.